What happened when the lights went off... and the guilt started creeping in...

These events that occurred a couple of months before 2017 were the triggers that were responsible for my mood changes, many panic attacks and my slipping away from my myself. I was still in control of my life but felt that I was going to have a hard time digesting everything. I guess the lights went off in 2016 but I had no clue or I thought I was OK... I was in denial.

I also want to tell you that my depression started in May 2017 and ended in April 2018 when I finally felt that I could enjoy every moment and everything around me AGAIN like before... 

May 2016

Graduation of oldest son Gauthier from MSU. Celebrated this big occasion like any other parent with proud and lots of emotion. The rollercoaster was in motion but I was still happy at that time and felt I could deal with these changes.

Graduation of youngest son Rainier from Dow High. Very proud parents. But we did have two graduations in the same month so we knew we had to deal with separation soon...

July 2016

I am so happy my oldest son took some time off before he started working for Dow.

He and his brother spent some time in Belgium with friends and family and saw my stepmom for the last time as she was very ill. 

August 2016

Gauthier moved to Indianapolis to start his first job with Dow. We helped him with the move of course and everything went smoothly. He lived in a 2-bedroom condo where we as parents had our own bedroom. It was very convenient whenever we spent our weekends down there. The city is only 5 hours of a drive from Midland and we liked it there.

Rainier also moved to Lansing (a little closer like 1 hour 30') where he started his Freshman year at MSU - computer engineering. At his time, we were empty nested and I think this was harder on me than I thought. I was used to the oldest one moving and not seeing him that much but to now being all alone was for me very hard to bear. 

September 2016

The death of my little niece on Sept 12th, a little girl of 11 years old shook my world upside down like no other. I was devastated for my cousin who had 2 other children: a 15 year old girl and a 13 year old boy. It all went down in 3 weeks. Axelle needed a new heart but couldn't get one on time. My cousin had to bury her little girl on her birthday. That day is going to be condemned for the rest of her life.

I felt very guilty not be able to go to the funeral and to support my family. It was like  I was living in another world.
One should not have to bury your own child. My cousin had to endure the funeral of her daughter on her birthday.

October 2016

My classes at Delta College and Saginaw State University went by and I felt the need to talk to my students about what had recently happened. This was unusual since I don't normally share my private life. I try to keep this as separate as possible. The workload kept me busy and prevented me from falling into a depression. I had a challenging French literature course and had very motivated students but also very caring. I remember one day that I had a breakdown because of bad news and one of my students who also lived in Midland guided me driving to Midland. I was in a bad shape mentally and was crying a lot.

November 2016

My stepmom was fighting against cancer and my dad took good care of her. Again, the guilt started to take a toll on me and I wished I could be there for my dad and for the family members I missed and missed me back. 

December 2016

My stepmom died on December 22nd and again, I had to stay in the US. I couldn't go home because of work and personal life events. We were on vacation in Florida with our two sons and needed to stay together to support each other.

The next post reveals a lot how I felt about going into 2017. The last time we were in Belgium was Summer 2014 and we all felt we made a terrible mistake waiting three years to go back to our home country.

January 1, 2017

Dear Belgium,

May you be kind and gentle with my fragile heart when I am about to embrace you in 2017.

May I find the strength to deal with sorrow, heartbreak and loneliness,

but foremost,

may my heart have the courage to accept all the changes of the last past 3 years.

May love, joy and peace rule in the hearts of all my friends and family.

February 2017

My uncle Marcel died on the 27th. He is a couple of years older than my dad and I was so sad I could not be there for him. Again, I could not go to Belgium to support my family so I was confronted with guilt once more. 

Some reflexional questions before I even got depressed: 

Did I feel it coming? 
Did something change into my brain? Was it pure hormonal? 
Am I in a mid-life crisis? 
Do I suffer from an empty nest syndrome? 
Am I going to accept my new role in society as grandparent? Am I ever going to be ready for this? 
What is my new role into this world?