Some pics heal, while others can hurt!

This morning, my cousin Katia posted a picture  on FB of exactly a year ago and I must say that it has a healing effect on my soul.  We were enjoying each others company at her place and just having fun taking silly pictures. But... there was one thing out of balance... my mental health. This picture was actually taken in the midst of my depression and if you would have told people, they would never have believed it... But don't judge people by just looking at the outside, try to look into their heart and listen carefully to what they are saying.

I so vividly remember how much I failed just enjoying life in general.  I had lost my inner peace and felt nervous all the time. My body was hurting because of the many panic attacks and anxiety. That day, and many others after that...we had such good talks about life in general, about all the changes that we all go through at a certain age and how to cope with them. They both were good listeners who tried to understand my feelings and why I found myself in a deep hole. The thing is that you realize all those things but you can not change them, you are blocked, paralyzed, … there are so many verbs I want to add but basically, you are unable to change and that is the scary part of it because it feels like you are going to be stuck in there forever...
But... you are not... all you need to heal is time. Time to accept, time to see things differently, time to think, time to digest mentally.

I am  so happy to say that I feel balanced now, I have found myself again and I have accepted the fact that we need to move on with our lives and we can not look back too often. Maybe that is what I was doing too much, not really living in the present, refusing to enjoy the little things in life... 

Thank you both for listening, for trying to understand me, for supporting me, for spending time with me, for your ever lasting healing effect on my soul, for sharing your inner thoughts with me, for so many other things, … 

Pier Park

Na het melden van een lek in onze badkamer deze morgen, en met enige vertraging dan toch vertrokken richting Pier Park. Het was maar een kwartiertje rijden vanuit onze condo, maar we stonden voor het grootste deel in de file.

Pier Park is een groot shopping center in Panama City. In de buurt is er ook een cinema en een reuzerad (bijna operationeel).

Deze namiddag lekker op het strand wat gelezen. Ik ben dan eindelijk aan mijn tweede boek begonnen (Michel Bussi - Sang famille). De zelfgemaakte spaghetti deze avond viel bij ons beiden enorm in de smaak.

Een fietstochtje naar St. Andrews State Park

Vandaag hebben we zo'n 20 km in de blakende zon naar St. Andrews State Park gereden. Je zou denken, wel… en dan? Maar moest je hier ter plaatse zijn, dan zou je anders spreken. De vochtigheidsgraad is heel hoog en de temperature schommelen gemiddeld tss de 30 en de 35 graden. Geef ons maar Michigan summers! Maar het was wel de moeite!

De rest van de dag gingen we zoals gewoonlijk lezen op het strand rond een uur of vier. We hebben twee strandstoelen en een parasol die de huurders van de condo kunnen gebruiken. Heel praktisch!

Belgium vs Panama

Zelfs al zijn we op reis in Florida, voetbal blijft key!

Onze prognostiek was correct: 3-0 en content dat we waren!

Total relaxation at Panama City beach

Arrived safely after a total new rental car (had 18 miles) broke down after 8 miles but that story is too long to share...

Took the Dow shuttle that landed in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  Then rented a car and after having crossed Alabama, we finally arrived in the Florida Panhandle, an informal, unofficial term for the northwestern part of the U.S. state of Florida.

We are staying in a condo on the 4th floor right on the beach.  This morning, we rented bikes and went for a 3-mile walk on the beach.

This is our view from the condo:

 

Our program:

• watching a lot of  world cup soccer (especially Serge, I will only watch when Belgium plays);
• biking;
• reading my books: finishing the one of Stéphane Allix (Lorsque j'étais quelqu'un d'autre) and the last one of Michel Bussi, my favorite French author (Sang famille);
• blogging;
• preparing  for my Fall courses;
• just enjoy walking on the beach...

I am truly happy to be able to enjoy everything around me and to sleep through the night.

June 2017, same time of year, we were visiting St. Petersburg and Moscow for one week and I still remember I could not enjoy anything around me. So that's why I am grateful that I can do this again. I feel so relaxed and myself again. Reading helps me a lot and I finally have the time to read what I want.

Here are some pics I took, more of them to follow:

Mindfulness

Mindfulness seems to be the antidote of depression and many unbalanced people try to find relieve by practicing this new science of health and happiness. Its focus is on living in the present moment. There are so many books, magazines, CD's and courses on the market. So of course, people would recommend me this type of meditation when they heard about my mental condition last summer.

Here are some of my suggestions:

• Pick one that is up your alley. Just give it a try and see if it works and makes you move forward;
• If don't feel up to it, think about it for a while and try again. Your state of mind is changing constantly and what did not work yesterday might work today or tomorrow;
• Do not stress about it.
  
  

I'm a book person so anything text related helped and still helps me realize how much we can be/are in control of our own actions, feelings and body. 

Here are some of my personal books and magazines:

If this is not helpful, have you tried yoga? I have tried yoga in the garden at the Saginaw Art museum in May and must say that I totally relaxed just by hearing the sound of birds and touching the grass.

Or just reading a good book where you are totally lost yourself in the story?

Another very effective method is breathing correctly. This breathing exercise can calm you down in a few minutes.

The main thing you need to do is trying to detach yourself or get your mind of the different person you have become or who you don't recognize anymore. I so desperately wanted to shake my other identity off but could not manage to do so for about a year and it feels like you are going to be stuck in there forever but believe me that it is going to get better!!! 

Medication - Xanax

If you are lucky, the first type of anti-depressant is the right one. Then it is up to the right dose and you can breathe again... It might take a while but be patient. But I need to warn you: No pill is going to fix it all! You still need to do the work and try to balance it out... Hard to do when you are down... Words are cheap. Do not try to fix a person who is depressed. Give them time and just listen.

I happened to be lucky. It is wise to talk to as many people about this as possible since you can learn from their stories and experiences. The thing is, when you are dealing with depression, you want to be relieved right away and want to escape from your pain and anxiety, actually from yourself because you are someone else... you don't recognize who you are anymore.

When people made compliments about my looks, I thought to myself, man, if you could only see how ugly I feel inside. This sentence is still very upsetting to me because I constantly remember me thinking this way.

What about Xanax?

This medicine is normally given to patients with high anxiety and believe me when I say that it is very popular among high school students who are usually very stressed during exams or even quizzes. I also know people who take this whenever they feel an attack coming up or only when they are super stressed. Some doctors prescribe this without hesitation and don't really care about the outcome.

So when I asked my doctor to prescribe this for me, she was very hesitant to say the least.  Well, she wouldn't want me to take it because it is very addictive! And after a while you need to take more to get the same effects, so after hearing this I was happy she was concerned about my health (as she's supposed to). 

Now that I totally quit taking anti-depressants, (I phased it out in April), I still have Buspirone in case I get a panic attack. But until now, I have not felt the need to take this. I feel very strong mentally and hope to keep it up for quite a while!

And then there was Prozac

I had never taken anti-depressants before. In fact, two weeks before my emergency appointment, I talked to my doctor about my mental health. I was crying when I told her that we were going back to Belgium after three years. and that I felt very guilty about not being able to be there for my family when they needed me (3 deaths). She knew about my breakdowns and suggested that I would contact her in case I could not cope with everything by myself. That it was not a shame to take medicine for a while. I replied that I worked out a lot and could talk to close friends about my feelings. I wished I had acted differently that day but then again, I am proud of myself for trying my very best...

But... I was just in too much pain! My body was taking a total hit from all my mood changes and panic attacks. My back was hurting and my muscles so tight. I even went to have a back massage just before leaving to Russia because I could not stand the pain anymore. I only had little relief and was just able to be comfortable taking the plane to Russia. I even thought I would never be able to take the plane to Russia and to Belgium and I would never see my family. 

Just before my appointment, I had another one with Julie, to choose all the materials for the new bathroom. I could not sit down anymore, I had to stand and walk around. My heart was beating like crazy and I felt I could have a heart attack any moment. I did this for two hours, I was very nervous all the time and couldn't calm down. After this I thought, NO MORE!

So I drove straight to the doctor and they checked my heart and asked me if I was depressed. I said no. I remember saying that I had panic attacks and mood changes but to the question about depression, I was firm and truly believed I was not depressed.
How could I? Why would I? 

So I started to take Prozac 20 mg/day and knew that I had to wait a month to get the maximum relief. I started to feel better after two weeks. I had less panic attacks.

Grateful for little things and the right people in my life

June 2018 sure feels very different than June 2017! In what way?

I feel that I am totally myself again.  By that I mean that for the most part I can rely on myself and feel confident about things and people again. 

no more panic attacks; 

no more moments where I burst into tears and started crying for no reason;

no more afraid to confront people;

no more afraid to leave my house;

no more afraid to be alone;

no more having the feeling that I am in survival mode;

no more afraid to not being able to sleep without a sleeping pill.

It is scary how much I still remember about how I felt last year but I am happy that I remember me saying odd words, phrases, feelings, moods, because it is helping me building my mental strength. My brain is telling me not to allow this anymore and to enjoy every moment of the day. 

Panic attacks and how they affected my life

There is a lot to write about this matter.  These attacks that started in 2016 were very short in the beginning, like a couple of minutes. They usually started in the morning when I had to leave my house. I was afraid. The reason why was unknown to me. It felt good to just run outside and hug a tree. I did this so many times. Trees give you instant release and it was only after my depression that I started to read articles about the benefit of this kind of behavior. I always thought I was crazy doing this but now through reading, I found out what sylvotherapy ment and how one can benefit from it.
If you want to read a good book, I would recommend Blinded by science by Matthew Silverstone.
Biking was another thing that helped me calm down, it was better than walking actually because you need to focus more on your movements. Sometimes, I just jumped on my bike to get instant release of my nervousness.

One day, when I was driving to work, I was in need of calling Serge to tell me that everything was going to be ok. When I heard his voice, I immediately calmed down and could get back on track.

Later, the attacks started to get longer, no more minutes, but hours. Sometimes, I had good moments but I started to have a lot of bad moments during a day and it really freaked me out since I was not in control of these mood changes. Sometimes, when they started in the morning and I had to teach, they just stopped after my lectures because I was focusing on other stuff and other people and I still remember me feeling totally revived after I had been myself again.  Very strange feeling! I wished I felt like that ALL the time! It seems so easy but when you are in that state of mind, it is NOT easy... believe me!

So when I went to San Antonio to celebrate my 25th wedding Anniversary in October 2016, I had problems going to breakfast and face people. I was afraid to talk to people, I could not stand a crowd and was very nervous all the time. I felt so fragile and sensitive. 
We visited Sea World and I was ok for half of the day but the other half was exhausting. Being nervous all the time is really hard to live with. The thing is that you realize that but are in no control to change it! That is the scary part of it.

So this went on for a couple of months through 2017, with ups and downs, until I could not take it any longer because my heart was racing so bad. Then I decided to do something about it. I rushed to my doctor and had an emergency appointment that costed me $150.
But I couldn't care less, I was desperate and hurt and thought I was going to have a heart attack. That day was June 1st 2017. 

I will give myself a rest and continue writing tomorrow.
What can you do against anxiety? Here are some small changes that can help you.

What happened when the lights went off... and the guilt started creeping in...

These events that occurred a couple of months before 2017 were the triggers that were responsible for my mood changes, many panic attacks and my slipping away from my myself. I was still in control of my life but felt that I was going to have a hard time digesting everything. I guess the lights went off in 2016 but I had no clue or I thought I was OK... I was in denial.

I also want to tell you that my depression started in May 2017 and ended in April 2018 when I finally felt that I could enjoy every moment and everything around me AGAIN like before... 

May 2016

Graduation of oldest son Gauthier from MSU. Celebrated this big occasion like any other parent with proud and lots of emotion. The rollercoaster was in motion but I was still happy at that time and felt I could deal with these changes.

Graduation of youngest son Rainier from Dow High. Very proud parents. But we did have two graduations in the same month so we knew we had to deal with separation soon...

July 2016

I am so happy my oldest son took some time off before he started working for Dow.

He and his brother spent some time in Belgium with friends and family and saw my stepmom for the last time as she was very ill. 

August 2016

Gauthier moved to Indianapolis to start his first job with Dow. We helped him with the move of course and everything went smoothly. He lived in a 2-bedroom condo where we as parents had our own bedroom. It was very convenient whenever we spent our weekends down there. The city is only 5 hours of a drive from Midland and we liked it there.

Rainier also moved to Lansing (a little closer like 1 hour 30') where he started his Freshman year at MSU - computer engineering. At his time, we were empty nested and I think this was harder on me than I thought. I was used to the oldest one moving and not seeing him that much but to now being all alone was for me very hard to bear. 

September 2016

The death of my little niece on Sept 12th, a little girl of 11 years old shook my world upside down like no other. I was devastated for my cousin who had 2 other children: a 15 year old girl and a 13 year old boy. It all went down in 3 weeks. Axelle needed a new heart but couldn't get one on time. My cousin had to bury her little girl on her birthday. That day is going to be condemned for the rest of her life.

I felt very guilty not be able to go to the funeral and to support my family. It was like  I was living in another world.
One should not have to bury your own child. My cousin had to endure the funeral of her daughter on her birthday.

October 2016

My classes at Delta College and Saginaw State University went by and I felt the need to talk to my students about what had recently happened. This was unusual since I don't normally share my private life. I try to keep this as separate as possible. The workload kept me busy and prevented me from falling into a depression. I had a challenging French literature course and had very motivated students but also very caring. I remember one day that I had a breakdown because of bad news and one of my students who also lived in Midland guided me driving to Midland. I was in a bad shape mentally and was crying a lot.

November 2016

My stepmom was fighting against cancer and my dad took good care of her. Again, the guilt started to take a toll on me and I wished I could be there for my dad and for the family members I missed and missed me back. 

December 2016

My stepmom died on December 22nd and again, I had to stay in the US. I couldn't go home because of work and personal life events. We were on vacation in Florida with our two sons and needed to stay together to support each other.

The next post reveals a lot how I felt about going into 2017. The last time we were in Belgium was Summer 2014 and we all felt we made a terrible mistake waiting three years to go back to our home country.

January 1, 2017

Dear Belgium,

May you be kind and gentle with my fragile heart when I am about to embrace you in 2017.

May I find the strength to deal with sorrow, heartbreak and loneliness,

but foremost,

may my heart have the courage to accept all the changes of the last past 3 years.

May love, joy and peace rule in the hearts of all my friends and family.

February 2017

My uncle Marcel died on the 27th. He is a couple of years older than my dad and I was so sad I could not be there for him. Again, I could not go to Belgium to support my family so I was confronted with guilt once more. 

Some reflexional questions before I even got depressed: 

Did I feel it coming? 
Did something change into my brain? Was it pure hormonal? 
Am I in a mid-life crisis? 
Do I suffer from an empty nest syndrome? 
Am I going to accept my new role in society as grandparent? Am I ever going to be ready for this? 
What is my new role into this world?

The day I decided to start writing about my experiences in 2017

Depression is not a choice!

Today, my inner voice is begging me to start writing about my journey of 2017. It was a very challenging year for me with too many changes on many different levels. It is hard to compile it in a couple of paragraphs since I would like to be as detailed as possible. 

I want to share my thoughts and feelings with all souls feeling not themselves or who are in desperate need of recognition, it will be in English for the first time since I feel that I can express myself more in depth that way. Strange, huh, but after nearly 14 years, I think this environment finally got a language spell on me.

I also want to be liberated from the many thoughts that are spooking in my head and are taking too much space. It is time to move on and the only way that is going to work out for me personally is to write it off… 

I would appreciate not to write any comments on this introduction since I just wanted to use this platform to let as many people know as possible. It is not in my intention to share anything on Facebook. Thank you for your understanding and your cooperation.

If you don’t have my blog address, you can write me a private message and I will send it to you.