And then there was Prozac

I had never taken anti-depressants before. In fact, two weeks before my emergency appointment, I talked to my doctor about my mental health. I was crying when I told her that we were going back to Belgium after three years. and that I felt very guilty about not being able to be there for my family when they needed me (3 deaths). She knew about my breakdowns and suggested that I would contact her in case I could not cope with everything by myself. That it was not a shame to take medicine for a while. I replied that I worked out a lot and could talk to close friends about my feelings. I wished I had acted differently that day but then again, I am proud of myself for trying my very best...

But... I was just in too much pain! My body was taking a total hit from all my mood changes and panic attacks. My back was hurting and my muscles so tight. I even went to have a back massage just before leaving to Russia because I could not stand the pain anymore. I only had little relief and was just able to be comfortable taking the plane to Russia. I even thought I would never be able to take the plane to Russia and to Belgium and I would never see my family. 

Just before my appointment, I had another one with Julie, to choose all the materials for the new bathroom. I could not sit down anymore, I had to stand and walk around. My heart was beating like crazy and I felt I could have a heart attack any moment. I did this for two hours, I was very nervous all the time and couldn't calm down. After this I thought, NO MORE!

So I drove straight to the doctor and they checked my heart and asked me if I was depressed. I said no. I remember saying that I had panic attacks and mood changes but to the question about depression, I was firm and truly believed I was not depressed.
How could I? Why would I? 

So I started to take Prozac 20 mg/day and knew that I had to wait a month to get the maximum relief. I started to feel better after two weeks. I had less panic attacks.

Grateful for little things and the right people in my life

June 2018 sure feels very different than June 2017! In what way?

I feel that I am totally myself again.  By that I mean that for the most part I can rely on myself and feel confident about things and people again. 

no more panic attacks; 

no more moments where I burst into tears and started crying for no reason;

no more afraid to confront people;

no more afraid to leave my house;

no more afraid to be alone;

no more having the feeling that I am in survival mode;

no more afraid to not being able to sleep without a sleeping pill.

It is scary how much I still remember about how I felt last year but I am happy that I remember me saying odd words, phrases, feelings, moods, because it is helping me building my mental strength. My brain is telling me not to allow this anymore and to enjoy every moment of the day. 

Panic attacks and how they affected my life

There is a lot to write about this matter.  These attacks that started in 2016 were very short in the beginning, like a couple of minutes. They usually started in the morning when I had to leave my house. I was afraid. The reason why was unknown to me. It felt good to just run outside and hug a tree. I did this so many times. Trees give you instant release and it was only after my depression that I started to read articles about the benefit of this kind of behavior. I always thought I was crazy doing this but now through reading, I found out what sylvotherapy ment and how one can benefit from it.
If you want to read a good book, I would recommend Blinded by science by Matthew Silverstone.
Biking was another thing that helped me calm down, it was better than walking actually because you need to focus more on your movements. Sometimes, I just jumped on my bike to get instant release of my nervousness.

One day, when I was driving to work, I was in need of calling Serge to tell me that everything was going to be ok. When I heard his voice, I immediately calmed down and could get back on track.

Later, the attacks started to get longer, no more minutes, but hours. Sometimes, I had good moments but I started to have a lot of bad moments during a day and it really freaked me out since I was not in control of these mood changes. Sometimes, when they started in the morning and I had to teach, they just stopped after my lectures because I was focusing on other stuff and other people and I still remember me feeling totally revived after I had been myself again.  Very strange feeling! I wished I felt like that ALL the time! It seems so easy but when you are in that state of mind, it is NOT easy... believe me!

So when I went to San Antonio to celebrate my 25th wedding Anniversary in October 2016, I had problems going to breakfast and face people. I was afraid to talk to people, I could not stand a crowd and was very nervous all the time. I felt so fragile and sensitive. 
We visited Sea World and I was ok for half of the day but the other half was exhausting. Being nervous all the time is really hard to live with. The thing is that you realize that but are in no control to change it! That is the scary part of it.

So this went on for a couple of months through 2017, with ups and downs, until I could not take it any longer because my heart was racing so bad. Then I decided to do something about it. I rushed to my doctor and had an emergency appointment that costed me $150.
But I couldn't care less, I was desperate and hurt and thought I was going to have a heart attack. That day was June 1st 2017. 

I will give myself a rest and continue writing tomorrow.
What can you do against anxiety? Here are some small changes that can help you.

What happened when the lights went off... and the guilt started creeping in...

These events that occurred a couple of months before 2017 were the triggers that were responsible for my mood changes, many panic attacks and my slipping away from my myself. I was still in control of my life but felt that I was going to have a hard time digesting everything. I guess the lights went off in 2016 but I had no clue or I thought I was OK... I was in denial.

I also want to tell you that my depression started in May 2017 and ended in April 2018 when I finally felt that I could enjoy every moment and everything around me AGAIN like before... 

May 2016

Graduation of oldest son Gauthier from MSU. Celebrated this big occasion like any other parent with proud and lots of emotion. The rollercoaster was in motion but I was still happy at that time and felt I could deal with these changes.

Graduation of youngest son Rainier from Dow High. Very proud parents. But we did have two graduations in the same month so we knew we had to deal with separation soon...

July 2016

I am so happy my oldest son took some time off before he started working for Dow.

He and his brother spent some time in Belgium with friends and family and saw my stepmom for the last time as she was very ill. 

August 2016

Gauthier moved to Indianapolis to start his first job with Dow. We helped him with the move of course and everything went smoothly. He lived in a 2-bedroom condo where we as parents had our own bedroom. It was very convenient whenever we spent our weekends down there. The city is only 5 hours of a drive from Midland and we liked it there.

Rainier also moved to Lansing (a little closer like 1 hour 30') where he started his Freshman year at MSU - computer engineering. At his time, we were empty nested and I think this was harder on me than I thought. I was used to the oldest one moving and not seeing him that much but to now being all alone was for me very hard to bear. 

September 2016

The death of my little niece on Sept 12th, a little girl of 11 years old shook my world upside down like no other. I was devastated for my cousin who had 2 other children: a 15 year old girl and a 13 year old boy. It all went down in 3 weeks. Axelle needed a new heart but couldn't get one on time. My cousin had to bury her little girl on her birthday. That day is going to be condemned for the rest of her life.

I felt very guilty not be able to go to the funeral and to support my family. It was like  I was living in another world.
One should not have to bury your own child. My cousin had to endure the funeral of her daughter on her birthday.

October 2016

My classes at Delta College and Saginaw State University went by and I felt the need to talk to my students about what had recently happened. This was unusual since I don't normally share my private life. I try to keep this as separate as possible. The workload kept me busy and prevented me from falling into a depression. I had a challenging French literature course and had very motivated students but also very caring. I remember one day that I had a breakdown because of bad news and one of my students who also lived in Midland guided me driving to Midland. I was in a bad shape mentally and was crying a lot.

November 2016

My stepmom was fighting against cancer and my dad took good care of her. Again, the guilt started to take a toll on me and I wished I could be there for my dad and for the family members I missed and missed me back. 

December 2016

My stepmom died on December 22nd and again, I had to stay in the US. I couldn't go home because of work and personal life events. We were on vacation in Florida with our two sons and needed to stay together to support each other.

The next post reveals a lot how I felt about going into 2017. The last time we were in Belgium was Summer 2014 and we all felt we made a terrible mistake waiting three years to go back to our home country.

January 1, 2017

Dear Belgium,

May you be kind and gentle with my fragile heart when I am about to embrace you in 2017.

May I find the strength to deal with sorrow, heartbreak and loneliness,

but foremost,

may my heart have the courage to accept all the changes of the last past 3 years.

May love, joy and peace rule in the hearts of all my friends and family.

February 2017

My uncle Marcel died on the 27th. He is a couple of years older than my dad and I was so sad I could not be there for him. Again, I could not go to Belgium to support my family so I was confronted with guilt once more. 

Some reflexional questions before I even got depressed: 

Did I feel it coming? 
Did something change into my brain? Was it pure hormonal? 
Am I in a mid-life crisis? 
Do I suffer from an empty nest syndrome? 
Am I going to accept my new role in society as grandparent? Am I ever going to be ready for this? 
What is my new role into this world?

The day I decided to start writing about my experiences in 2017

Depression is not a choice!

Today, my inner voice is begging me to start writing about my journey of 2017. It was a very challenging year for me with too many changes on many different levels. It is hard to compile it in a couple of paragraphs since I would like to be as detailed as possible. 

I want to share my thoughts and feelings with all souls feeling not themselves or who are in desperate need of recognition, it will be in English for the first time since I feel that I can express myself more in depth that way. Strange, huh, but after nearly 14 years, I think this environment finally got a language spell on me.

I also want to be liberated from the many thoughts that are spooking in my head and are taking too much space. It is time to move on and the only way that is going to work out for me personally is to write it off… 

I would appreciate not to write any comments on this introduction since I just wanted to use this platform to let as many people know as possible. It is not in my intention to share anything on Facebook. Thank you for your understanding and your cooperation.

If you don’t have my blog address, you can write me a private message and I will send it to you.

Lekker relaxen op Marco Island

Kan het bijna niet geloven dat het al onze 5de keer is dat we naar Florida gaan met de Kerstvakantie.

Dit jaar vertrokken we rond 2h30 in de morgen richting Detroit Airport. De eerste drie kwartier ging het heel vlotjes maar toen volgde een anderhalf uur rijden in lichte sneeuw.  We hadden onze vlucht naar Fort Myers om 6u en kwamen om 4u in de luchthaven aan. Er was al veel volk en we moesten in een lange file staan die wonderbaar genoeg enorm meeviel achteraf.  De vlucht naar Fort Myers duurde een goede 2h 30 en het was pas 9u ter plaatse. Dan nog een uurtje rijden tot onze bestemming en zo waren we al tegen een uur of elf in onze condo. Alles ging verbazend goed vooruit. We vulden eerst onze frigo rond de middag en konden van een zalige namiddag op het strand genieten.

Gauthier kwam ons vergezellen op donderdag.  We combineerden dit met een bezoek aan de shopping mall ...

Op zaterdag gingen we voor het eerst een speedboottochtje van een uur maken. Heel leuke ervaring voor ons allen. Daarna stond er een gezellige lunch op het programma vlakbij.  We zaten aan een rustige tafel vlak aan het water en het eten was super lekker.

In de voormiddag gingen we gewoonlijk gaan fietsen en in de namiddag stond zwemmen, lezen, met de bal ….

Hieronder enkele sfeerbeelden:

Fall semester - reflexion

Grateful for a wonderful semester! 🙏

Some positive notes to write on my mirror:🔎

Loved to hear that many friendships were being built in my classroom since no one has complete control over a group of people and all communication is very delicate; 

Reading sessions in group were ideal to do some higher level thinking in another language and move forward more quickly;

Constantly pushing students out of their comfort zone when it comes to speaking French... and that this is what they really want! It so much doesn't look this way in the beginning of the semester